


The Theory of What The Fuck are You Doing Here

by GrahamsLexa



Category: Doctor Who, Rick and Morty
Genre: Bisexual Characters, But like in a platonic way, F/F, F/M, I'm Bad At Titles, In where Clara Oswald's bisexuality isn't treated like bullshit, Kind of whouffaldi, M/M, Past Relationships, Rick and The Doctor are the biggest pansexuals to ever pan, Rick and The Doctor used to bang hell yeas, Short preview but I will write two long ass chapters in a bit, The Doctor WhoxRick And Morty crossover every Doctor Who/Rick and Morty fan needed, There's Clamy at the end I promise, There's old men flirting if that is your thing, Young Rick Sanchez in flashbacks, pansexual characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 02:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8185183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrahamsLexa/pseuds/GrahamsLexa
Summary: For the course of the year Morty had known Rick, he had never seen something that could leave the man speechless. Except for today.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own nothing bc I'm not creative enough

It was it, the last words to her now dead lover still burned down her throat, like taking down a bottle of heavy Whiskey by her own.   
Clara felt dizzy, with a lot more to digest than if she had just stayed on Earth and hadn't put The Doctor's life and her own in danger.   
Maybe it would have been better to just accept it, for what now concerns, she felt worst than before even coming in first place.   
"I love you too" — Although she knew the connection was dead, although she knew there was no way Danny could hear her now. Clara did bother to say it, it needed saying. And she hoped that somehow, Danny knew, because she had loved him like nobody else before. Because he was worthy of being loved. 

"Listen, Suga', Honey, whatever.., I'm incredibly flattered but not interested. Sorry to break it to you, but with those big dreamy eyes— Whoever was behind her, let out a loud and deliberate burp— There's nothing you can't accomplish, babe."   
Clara wrinkled her nose, the unstoppable sobbing was replaced by a look of surprise and her guard was up again. She turned around as soon as possible, drying her tears against the back of her sleeve. — "Who the hell are you?" The girl, who compared to this mysterious man, looked as insignificant in height as a bug. She pushed the deadliest gaze she could pull, which to him, it was God Damn hilarious. 

However, it stopped being funny when she pulled a gun out of her purse, gift from The Doctor, of course. For self-protection whenever it was needed.   
And considering the man's visible age, his uncared for looks, the high smell of Vodka and the series of flirtuous language he was throwing at her, she felt it was needed right there. — "Hey, hey 'the fuck are you doing girly? How the fuck did you get your filthy little hands on one of those?" He dudged the neon purple lazzer coming from the device, piercing the wall where his head should be. — "Who are you?!" — She gives one more shoot, leaving yet another whole right through the wall.  
 He's getting impatient, finally decides to attack back with a small bomb kept in his pocket. Which only manages to damage her side of the room even more than his own. — "Why does it matter! Fuck, whoever made you cry is a real ass for you to be this pissed off."   
That one, it really hits her, Danny was still a sensitive subject and to be honest, the man's colorful language wasn't helping her repressed anger. — "Shut up! Why were you listening, who are you?" Ding dong, another shoot is fired and it lands too close to his head for the male's comfort. — "Fucking hell Barbie, do you always make so many questions? Fuck you" 

Their little war zone is soon interrupted by a young boy's voice, high pitched and somewhat annoying.  Judging by his face, he was as confused as the both were.—"Rick I found the.. — "Morty! This bitch is trying to kill me, Morty! I don' want to be the 'a little help' guy but, a little help?!"   
Clara however, drops the gun as she'd do with hot steel. The game changed with a kid in the room, Rick took his chance. He stood straight up and pressed the head of the gun against Clara's temple. — "Yeez! Rick wait!"   
She was manhandled to her knees, surprisingly steady. Just a few dry tears visible on her pale cheeks and total lack of interest to whatever the man who was now holding her life and death could choose.   
—"We..We can't ki..kill her just like that!" — The teen protested. —"Oh oh, just bec— burp — ause you said it, huh Morty? You and who else Morty?" 

For the course of the year Morty had known Rick, he had never seen something that could leave the man speechless. Except for today.   
—"I do."


	2. Dark Water/Death In Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in Doctor Who s8 Dark Water:   
> Rick and The Doctor finally explain themselves, kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER//I own nothing but man, I wish.   
> Fluff in the beginning in form of a flashback with 10 and young Rick because I'm a sucker to smart boys in love.

He had always found peace in space.  
Not that he had ever visited it before; But in the nights were his father arrived home drunk, to center his anger on his family, and Rick snuck out hoping he could take his mother with him, he crawled up the rooftop to avoid hearing her suffering and wondered; Wondered how would it be to just run away, to sit among the stars and never have to listen to his father ever again. 

Everything changed when he met The Doctor. 

Then, space was no longer an escape, it felt like home.  
The blue box where he had learned most of what he knows, the humming of the engines and the dim change of lights creating the illusion that the machine was alive. Specially, the eccentric man who had meant such a drastic change in his life.   
If he was ever asked what home means, he'd talk about stars and breathing machines, and an ancient creature of two beating hearts and knowledge to no end. 

Their lips moved in perfect synchronization, open mouthed kisses that ended in little breaks, specially for Rick. Just resting their foreheads together, no words said, it wasn't necessary when the double beat underneath him let Rick know that the feeling was reciprocated. Then, it continued to go down into yet another passionate kiss. 

Rick knew damn well that this was just momentary, that as much as he'd like there would come a time when they had to part ways.   
And, being honest, it terrified him, the idea of learning to live without someone who had been such an important part of his life was just unbearable. 

"I could stay like this forever." — His voice came out as barely a whisper, happy, peaceful.  — "Well,  — The Doctor muttered — You could try." He brushed a dark strand out from the way of Rick's almondy haze, tucking it around his flushed ears.   
"Would you still hang around me, when I'm old and gross?"  — To this, they both chuckled, and with the sweetest of the smiles, The Doctor whispered.  — "I'm going to be old and gross too one day, maybe sooner than I expect. We can be old and gross together."

...

"I already told ya' a ZILLION times, — burp — I wasn't actually going to kill her, you're overreacting." — Rick growled, rolling his eyes with the full spirit of pissing off The Doctor.   
"Ova'-reacting? — His rough, Scottish accent mostly always passed as angry. He wasn't sure he could come out crosser than always, yet... — What..what are you doing here anyways? You know that this is a high risk place at the moment, right?"   
Rick responded, followed by a groan. — "Stop treating me like the sidekick, dummy. I'm not one of your minions, I think it's fairly obvious that I know how to defend myself if you were so fucking scared that I would blow your girl's brains." — burp — "Come on Mo-orty, we got stuff to do and hopefully this asshole's chihuahua won't follow us around and try to play brave again." 

However, he was soon pulled back by The Doctor, who gripped fiercely the neck of his shirt enough to hurt. —"You aren't going anywhere, Rick."   
The other man groaned, trying to trash and writhe from The Doctor's grip.  — "Oh here we go again, show your little dolly what a fucking control freak you really are. Don't listen to him Clarke,..Clair,...whatever. He's going to fuck you up and act like he's the God Damn victim."   
The situation itself was unbelievable uncomfortable for both Morty and Clara.   
Clara bit the corner of her lip, observing the things wrapping right in front of them and wondering when it was right to step in.   
When it comes to Morty, he sat quietly next to the stranger. Tapping nervously on the floor with the heel of his shoe. 

"Humm, Rick?"  — The teenage boy whispered, tugging at the corner of his lip anxiously with his front teeth.  — "I wanted to tell you about the-   
 —"About the what, Mo-orty? About how you can't shut the fuck up at least for once?" Rick interrupted, letting out another deliberate release of air in form of a burp.    
 —"Stop talking to him like that! — Clara protested —And it's Clara!"   
 —"Whatever Claire, Yeez, I'd say you two are banging but I wonder who'd rip who's head afterwards. You're both a hell of controlling maniacs and for the record, I'm not jealous. — Rick snapped — You'll be lucky to get rid of him and get someone less fucked-up sweetie. I'll leave you my number if you change your mind." 

 "Shut the fuck up and listen!"  — Breathing heavily, Morty finally exploded. Gaining a surprised furrow of brows from Clara and a proud chuckle from Rick.  — "There's something in.., in the water."   
...

The waters of death flow free on the floor, moving on it's own outside. On it's way to create more death soldiers of steel.   
The figures scanning the room for them were not something new to Rick, or something he hadn't seen before. Him and The Doctor had crossed ways with this things before and he had even experienced a few encounters of his own later on.   
However, he had never seen as many together. 

He crawled the child on his lap, mostly to fit into the small crack In the floor rather than out of actual desire of. His long fingers firmly pressed against Morty's mouth to prevent his grandson from making any undesired sound and getting them both killed, or worse. Turned into one of those soulless iron men. 

Morty trashed against Rick's grip, understandable.   
He probably had many questions, questions Rick didn't feel like answering right now or ever.   
He bit into the older's hand, just enough for Rick's hand to flinch away.   
—"Morty you son of a bitch" — Rick mouthed, as quietly as he could with the stinging pain and anger strong enough he'd swear he'd just snap Morty's neck and give it to the Cybermen and escape.   
—"Aren't we going for Clara and The Doct.."   
—"Clara and The Doctor bullshit, they left us Morty.— Rick whispered, full with bitterness and what Morty would dare to call resentment. — We're going home, that bastard and his chihuahua can choke on each other's come for all that I care." 

...

"Doctor! — She stood still, pulling The Doctor from his coat's sleeve. — "Shouldn't we go for the kid and R.."   
"Clara. — He spoke quietly, tugging on the corner of his lip. — Rick doesn't care for no one but himself, I feel bad for that boy but it was Rick's choice to stay. He left us."   
He left /me/, he wanted to say.   
The truth is that he didn't want to go back, he didn't want to have to see Rick Sanchez ever again. It was better that way.   
And, knowing Rick, it was for sure that he'd make it out with that kid safe. It left him a bittersweet feeling of proudness to know that Rick was capable of almost everything by his own. 

"I'm going, — Clara said — If you don't care about Rick, fine. But I care about the child, enough innocents have died to let that kid be the next." 

And, swinging the sides of her dress in the run, off she goes. 

...

He watched the city as they go, watch it all fall down on catastrophe.   
It reminded him of the time they left the reality infested of a society turned into monsters all for Rick's stupid potion. He carried the same feeling of defeat to see yet another reality they couldn't save.   
Or at least, Rick didn't want to. 

"Can you stop being so selfish?"— Morty's pitched voice broke the uncomfortable silence that plagued the flying vehicle. Rick crooked his head to the side, just slightly in a sign that he was paying attention.   
—"I mean, look at this! You could do something but you don't want to because your ex gay lover is down there. And I may be a..,eh, just a teenager, Rick, but I know what that is. It's called being a pussy.   
And you're going to let people die because you can't stop being a pussy." 

He expected Rick to snap, to yell and curse.  
He expected to be pushed out of the flying machine even. 

"I can't — burp — believe I'm actually doing this."   
Rick replied, rolling his eyes and in extreme annoyance. Physically yelling for this to be over.   
Yet, he tapped a few numbers into the computer, coordinates to find a particular blue box.  

"He better give me my jacket back after this, and 10 years of my life back." 

...

The spacecraft landed roughly into what appeared to be a cemetery, even breaking the stone arm of an angel statue.  —" Oh shit, here we go son." 

The scenario wrapping right in front of them wasn't exactly different from the one they left, except for the emotion that caused Rick to growl.   
Thousands of Cybermen waiting orders from the woman in a classic Victorian style dress, an emotive scene of the couple who supposed were Danny and Clara.   
He had subtly heard the two's last conversation back inside the building.   
Young, stupid, reckless and beautiful love, he almost felt pity for the poor Devils.   
One was dead, and the other one risked everything for a last hug. 

— "Oh Rick, deary. You're on time for the show." —The woman's voice made Rick cringe, trying to brush it off and hopefully go by without the rest having to hear how exactly they had met.  
—"I don't know her I swear!" — He said in response to his grandson's suspicious look.   
—"Oh but our honey's birthday present wouldn't even be a thing without you, silly." — Missy grinned cheekily, leaning on The Doctor's shoulder.  — "Now I see what you saw on him, that filthy mouth of his can be put on much filthiest business, if you know what I mean." 

—"Wait,— The Doctor scoffed — I'll..try to ignore the rest. You had something to do with this?"   
Rick brushed the strands of spiky salt and pepper hair, chuckling awkwardly. —"I may or may not have sold her a serum or something of that nature — He shrugged — But I had no idea that it would be used for this or that YOU would be involved. Thanks for nothing, you cunt."   
—"Why would you give somebody a serum to bring back the death? Are you bananas or somethin'?"   
—" I have my weird fetishes too, who am I to kinkshame others?"  
This time, both Missy and Rick chuckled.   
—"Nasty, I like it." — She growled, batting her dark eyelashes to him. 

—"Quit playing games.— He muttered, extending his hand towards Rick. — Rick?"   
A satisfying feeling spread through both Rick and The Doctor for a moment, a flashback from times where they could always count on the other.   
It was a beautiful goodbye to times that would never come back.  
—"I got you covered, buddy." Rick smiled, almost.   
He tugged a strange device akin to a gun from his coat, passed it to The Doctor. 

Pressing the gun into the woman's head, he said.—"Last words, Missy?" — An arm went around Missy's neck to prevent her escape.   
—"You may have fucked him first, but I fucked him better."

And with a push, she was gone. 

"Well—burp— that was much more boring than expected, pity her." He took a careless drink out of the flask he always kept in the right pocket of the white coat. 

... 

"Doctor.." —A soft, pitiful voice muttered. Half turned off, half dead.   
He knew exactly who it was.   
The Doctor approached the unhappy couple with precaution, his hand instantly going to Clara's shoulder in sign of support.   
"P.E, what is it?"   
Danny whispered at The Doctor's ear.

"Clara...— He muttered— Come here."   
It broke him to see her like this, shacking in tears. Fragile and suddenly, so little.   
"No..,no"—She still gripped to the steel armour where Danny was trapped, eventually getting to grip into The Doctor for support. 

...

"That's how the world is saved, — The Doctor said, watching the couple in the distance saying their goodbyes. Danny flew into the air, thousands and thousands of other Cybermen following. — By love." 

"Because love is not an emotion — And while the group of armours exploded into the sky, tainting it in greys and blacks. Rick and The Doctor shared a glimpse in the distance, maybe eyes could tell what thousand words couldn't. — love is a promise." 

...

London, 3 weeks later. 

He couldn't believe that they were doing this, the imminent goodbye.   
In a cafe, none was having anything with the excuse to perhaps be able of spending more time together after their conversation was done. Maybe Clara would have a frapucinno and The Doctor dark coffee, some cookies even. 

—" I got your call." The Doctor mumbled quietly, fingers tapping nervously into the wood.   
"I know, you wouldn't be here if you hadn't. —She chuckled, and he allowed himself the chance to chuckle too.— "It's about Danny, he.." 

—"Oh I'm guessing, P.E is back and you want to focus on him. That's perfectly understandable and I'm happy for you." — The Doctor said before she even had time to finish, which, to an extend was good.   
—"Yes, right. Danny and me, we will be perfectly fine." 

...

It had been a few days after the incident when a familiar voice called, waking her up.   
A rational part of her head wanted to go back to sleep, to let it pass.  
He was gone, and he was never coming back.   
And yet,  
—"Danny." Clara whispered in the dark, sliding into her flip flops and making her way through the hall out of her room.  
A woozing blue light appeared right into the wall, like a portal.  Finally, some hope to have him back.    
—"Clara — A young boy walked through the portal unexpectedly, Clara although confused, welcomed him in. — Find his parents, bring him back home." 

Then, a story of Danny's biggest regret popped back into her head. A 10 year old Danny had shoot during war.  
Danny selflessly decided the boy deserved living more than he did. 

—"I love you."  
—"I love you too."

And, the portal closed.

...

"What about you, though?"—Back in the cafe, Clara asked.    
The Doctor dedicated her the most sincere smile, saying. "Rick and I came to an agreement, sort of.— He chuckled — I haven't seen him in more than 4 decades, I  think, we still have a lot to put on day with." 

"Awesome, well, happy for you two then."

...

He had just left Clara home when it happened, a message.  
There was a very few amount of people who knew the number of the TARDIS, which was the reason why he was afraid to open it.

It was a voice note.   
He sat on his leather couch, leaning back, let the record play.  

'I didn't want to say this face to face, you know it would've been harder for both. ' — as the note started playing, he absolutely froze at the voice. Patiently listening to the uncomfortable pause where all that could be heard was Rick's heavy breathing.  
Was he mad? Was he crying? Was he too drunk to even talk properly? Who knew, probably all three. 

— 'I had my own reasons to stay away, I still have them. But, I don't hate you. Still, I'd appreciate it if we could stop ramming our flying vehicles into the same place.  And, if it wasn't clear, it's Rick by the way, and I'm saying goodbye.' 

...

"Well.."— Standing up, Clara stated. — "Since this may be the last time we see, maybe it's time to break some old habits." — She extended her arms open, and surprisingly The Doctor accepted willingly.   
"Doctor..Thank you"— She muttered.   
"For?"—  
—"Traveling with you made me feel special."   
"I.., I thank you for exactly the same." —

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND CHAPTER TWO DONE! Also yup, Rick is jealous over Clara, I needed to write that up.   
> PLUS: The last bits of this chapter were written so poorly oh my god, I was just tired and wanting to finish this thing. 
> 
> Thanks for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> SO I WAS WATCHING AUTO-EROTIC ASSIMILATION AND I HAD THIS IDEA LOL, just wanted this two to be salty af exes who lowkey still like each other.
> 
> Leave kuddos and comments if you want me to write more! I already have a story for this, just checking.  
> (ALSO if you're a Doctor Who fan who has no fucking idea of what is happening and who is Rick or Morty, watch Rick And Morty and go nuts.)


End file.
